Category: On Being Human

How to Make a Big Change in One Minute or Less

10/19/2016

   If you are like me, change feels overwhelming, like, you have to change everything to change anything. Do you feel like making changes means not having fun, deprivation, restriction? I'm Maria and I'm a self-sabotage researcher. Most of my research is done in the field, if you know what I mean... I am my own best research subject.

   There is so much that goes into changing, but it does not have to feel arduous and depriving. I imagine you're already all too familiar with the pain of staying the same, right? So, here's the deal. Discomfort is going to happen either way. But, what if change meant only being uncomfortable for one minute at a time, could you handle that?

   You see, our brains have a quality known as plasticity. That means they can change. Our habits create neural grooves like water running in one direction might create a stream or a river. If we want to divert that stream or river, we can, but we have to redirect the water. Change involves learning new skills, healing old belief patterns and having lots of courage and... one minute.

   Ok, are you curious? Here's the deal. Anytime you try to do anything that goes against your belief system about yourself, resistance is going to come alive. When I have tried to give up coffee, instead of giving it up, somehow I find myself drinking twice as much. You with me? Trying to give it up doesn't work so well for me. So, what I found to be effective is to invite the resistance. Get to know it. Befriend it. Welcome it. And get curious about it. Watch it. Get intimate with resistance instead of resisting the resistance.

   In the past, when I'd give up coffee and all of sudden realize I'm drinking more than I was before I tried to give it up, I'd use that as ammunition against my own self, "See, you can't get anything right. You are just incapable. You moron." Sound familiar? Well, this only drove me deeper into my shame.

   What I've learned to do instead is to take a one minute mindfulness 'retreat.' I take one step back and watch the whole process. Instead of believing those voices and burying myself in a gallon of despair (chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream), I can observe what is going on. It can be quite funny. I have actually caught myself in a dialogue with food. I have given food an actual voice. Damn, food is seductive! It would relentlessly call my name and seduce me into believing it was my salvation. And I'd fall right back in love, every.single.time, like an abused spouse, believing my abuser was really going to change this time, only to emerge bruised and broken one more time, and another, and another and another...

   I used to punish myself after one of these episodes. "You can't have anything that you enjoy now. You are going off coffee, wine, chocolate, sugar, carbs, cooked food..." And I'd actually do that. I'd deprive myself right into total obsession with food where I couldn't think a thought that wasn't a fantasy about having everything I'd kept myself from eating. I'd also spend so much time creating all this amazing raw-food goodness. If I weren't thinking about it, I was spending time preparing it. ALL.OF.MY.TIME. This is called, NOT LIVING. I mean, imagine what could happen if I put all that time into creating my big life?

   So, I began to observe it all. Honestly, it was a shit show! I began hearing how mean I actually was to myself. If I talked to anyone else that way, they'd run and never, ever want to talk to me again. So, instead of running from those voices, I began taking a minute, just one, and observing all of them and actually welcoming them. I began to realize that the voices I heard after my episodes of perceived failure were the keys to unlock the door to the change I wanted to experience.

   The thing is, when we decide to make a change, we are often stuck in black and white thinking. At first, maybe change is fun. But then doom and gloom set in and we go back to our ingrained habits, the old neural pathways still strong, (and by the way, change never feels fun to me. The second I decide to change is the second I start doing much more of the thing I set out to stop doing). The minute we go back, we feel we've ruined it all and we might as well throw in the towel. And then that voice sings its usual song, "You idiot. You should not have even tried. What's wrong with you? Why even try? You're such a loser." And so our old, comfortable ways rock us back into the illusion that staying the same is just easier.

But if you have a minute, you can interrupt this pattern. There is a technical term for this one minute adventure. It's called the PAUSE. In that pause lies the key to your healing. Listen to the voices. They are the voices of your wounding and in order for you to move beyond this cycle, that shame must be healed. Underneath this shame is the truth of who you are. You are already whole, acceptable, lovable, capable, worthy, deserving and perfect just the way you are.

   What purpose does this shame serve? It is there to keep you safe and small, free from taking any risks and it's biggest tactic is keeping the status quo. So, every time you try to change, this 'safety' is threatened and the security guard in the watchtower sees change as a threat to your survival and calls in the army of shame to keep you from making one more move! This is the survival mechanism's intelligence at work. You see, in times past, if you were not a member of a tribe, you could not survive. So, you had to conform to the ways of the tribe in order to be a part of them. Change threatened your very survival. Although connection and belonging is a survival need still and we very much need to belong and feel connected, our physical survival is not longer dependent on this and we are now free to be who we are, believe our own beliefs and live freely. So, we invite this tactic to do it's thing, and we step back and we observe it!

   In doing so, we begin to dis-identify with our shame-self, false self or what I like to call, The Faults Self (the part of us that believes in all of our 'faults') and heal those shame beliefs on a subconscious level. Until then, anything that threatens the validity of those beliefs will be met with resistance, you will sabotage your efforts and your shame will be validated, by you and you'll be at the bottom of that gallon of despair before one minute is up.

Something else to consider observing in this minute is what this change means to you. And what the current behavior means to you. What does replacing this behavior with a different one mean to you? What would be different for you if you made this change? What does it feel like to experience a new behavior? What does it feel like to keep acting out this behavior. Just be curious. What happens when we are curious instead of critical is that we can begin to respond, rather than react. We give ourselves a little time between the thought of doing something and actually doing it and the magic begins to happen in this pause.

Let's try this together!

I'd love to hear your thoughts if you try this. Comment below to share your experience!

Maria Rippo is a Transformational Healing & Wellness practitioner with an online as well as a local practice in Bothell, WA. She is an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Coach working towards her Master's degree in Transpersonal Psychology, but mostly, she is a human trying to figure out how to navigate this thing called life. This article Copyright 2016 by Maria Rippo, all right reserved. To replicate or use any portion of this article, please do so in its entirety including this text or contact the author at maria@mariarippo.com.

0 Comments

Am I Codependent?

5/23/2016

0 Comments

Codependence has donned a variety of descriptions over the years. In the 1980's, it was more commonly used to refer to someone in a relationship with an addict. Currently it is used to describe a loss of sense of self or a disturbance in one's identity or ability to experience intimacy with oneself or another. Common to its core are suppression of feelings and pleasing others at the expense of one's own needs and desires in order to stay in relationship. Another aspect of codependency is blaming shifting onto others, meaning, making others responsible for how I am experiencing life. If I don't have money, it's someone else's fault. If I can't get a good job, someone else is to blame. My relationship isn't working, it's because of my partner, etc...

Connection and sense of belonging are basic human needs. A codependent person is one who has learned that for them, connection with another human being, means not being able to get their own emotional and/or physical needs met and yet, they have to have connection, so the connection itself becomes the focus and not getting other needs met, is secondary. A codependent person, on a subconscious level, doesn’t believe they deserve to have needs and therefore, will become whatever they perceive that others need them to be in order to be in relationship.

“Codependency is a construct introduced in the 1980s to describe a wide range of relational behaviors that inhibit personal functioning. The codependency movement began within the substance abuse treatment movement with the recognition that not only alcoholics but also the families of alcoholics required treatment." (Krestan & Bepko, 1990). Starting in the mid 1980s, the concept of codependency was extended to anyone who became involved in dysfunctional relationships. Currently, the Proto typical characteristics of a codependent are extreme dependence on and preoccupation with another person, regardless of whether that other person is a substance abuser.” (Cowan, 1995, p. 221 )

Yet another definition of codependency is that not only is it a dependency on others, but also on compulsive behaviors. “Codependency is a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity.” (Treadway, 1990, p. 39 - 42)

In an article titled, Codependency and the Eating-Disorder client in the Journal, Nursing Clinics of North America, the term codependency is defined as “an adjustment reaction, which may become a developmental disorder, in which persistent patterns of learned, self-defeating behaviors, characterized by denial of one’s own feelings, beliefs, or values, are continually repeated without insight.” (Riley, 1991, 765)

In my own experience of codependency, I lacked the knowledge that I was worthy of having needs and lacked even more knowledge of how to get them met in a healthy way. Underlying this was a belief that I needed others to take care of me because I was not enough to take care of myself. I truly believed that the source of my own suffering was my circumstances as well as my husband and his behavior and yet, I felt completely powerless to do anything about it and felt I had no other choice than to keep the status quo and somehow be content. “In an article from the book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, Robert Subby wrote codependency is "an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.’” (Beattie, 1992, p. 30)

Earnie Larsen, another codependency specialist and a pioneer in that field, explains that codependency is "those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships." (Beattie, 1992, p. 30) Melody Beattie, a codependency expert and author of Codependent No More, says that, “A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling the other person's behavior.” (Beattie, 1992, p. 34) In my experience, this is not happening on a conscious level. It is truly a cry to get emotional needs met, but the tools to do so are lacking so the codependent person subconsciously tries to ‘force’ others to meet their needs through guilt, neediness or abuse.
So, we’ve moved from believing that a person must be exposed to abuse or addiction in order to become codependent, to realizing that all a person really needs, in order to take on the characteristics of codependence, is oppressive rules, someone else telling them what is good for them and not allowing them to have choice and set healthy limits and boundaries as well as a general loss of their sense of self. This may happen in any relationship and often can come from the experience in the family of origin.

In my work with clients as well as in my training at the Wellness Institute, I’ve come to believe that helping ourselves and our clients become aware of and heal their codependence is foundational for healing. The following is Diane Zimberoff’s Definition, from her article titled, Codependency and Compulsive Addictive Behavior.
"What is codependency? It is two or more people coming together who are not in themselves whole. A child who is raised in a family where he/she does not receive all the nurturing needed to grow up strong and healthy and complete; a child who is raised in a family where the parents are obviously not in control of their lives; a child who is raised in a family where the victim triangle is played and everyone at some point feels like the victim. This is a codependent family. Then this child grows up (physically but not always emotionally) and marries someone who also is not complete inside.

What is the difference between a codependent person and someone else? A good analogy is a tree. If you plant two trees next to each other, but treat them differently, they will grow differently. For example, if you give one tree all the proper nutrients, water and sunlight, this tree will grow up healthy: it will flourish and produce abundantly. If the other tree does not receive the needed nutrients, sunlight and water, it will grow but not be as hardy and will not produce as abundantly. If it doesn’t receive any nutrients it will wither and die.
A codependent person is like the tree which did not receive the proper nutrients. And the degree of which the nutrients were absent is the degree of the codependency: the degree to which the person becomes dependent on drugs, alcohol, food or a relationship. This is what addiction is based on. It is that tree constantly trying to “soak up” the nutrients that have been missing for years. Frantically searching for the “proper ingredients” so that it can flourish and produce abundantly like the well tree.

When an unhealthy tree turns to another unhealthy tree for support, they will lean on each other and collapse. This is what happens with two codependent people who marry. They become more and more dependent on each other and begin to lean on each other. As they lean on each other their branches become so entwined that soon you can no longer tell which is which. Their individuality becomes so tangled up that they themselves don’t know where one ends and the other begins. Eventually, one or both collapse from the weight of both.

The collapse can take the form of stress-related symptoms: alcohol, drug, tobacco or food abuse. It can take form of a nervous breakdown, physical illness or just constant daily pressures that seem to build up. It may take years to become even vaguely aware that there is a problem. The reason for this is that to a codependent, codependency is so normal and feels so familiar that he/she assumes this is the way it should be." (Zimberoff 2015, p. 2)

Similarly, the Twelve Steps of Adult Children Workbook defines codependency as, “constantly looking outside of ourselves for love, affirmation, and attention from people who cannot provide it. At the same time, we (codependents) believe that we are not truly worthy of love or attention. In our view, codependence is driven by childhood fear and distorted thinking known as para-alchoholism. We choose dependent people who abandon us and lack clarity in their own lives because it matches our childhood experiences.” (Twelve Steps of ACA Workbook, p. 6) It explains that “the main problem is a mistaken belief that we could have changed our parents.” (Twelve Steps of ACA Workbook, p. 6). It explains that a codependent person has confused love with pity and tend to pity those they can rescue. Codependent people are drawn to people that seem familiar and so they find dysfunctional people and “attempt to heal them or cure them.” (Twelve Steps of ACA Workbook, p. 6)

There are nine core symptoms of codependency. They are: Abandonment fears, lack of self-esteem, shame, unhealthy boundaries, addictions/compulsions, need to control, poor sense of identity, confusion over needs and wants, and family of origin issues. In my own experience of being codependent and traveling the journey of healing it, the sense of helplessness and powerless I experienced, caused me to seek some form of control in my life. I played the role of victim quite skillfully and had many caretakers in my life. I turned to food and exercise because it felt like the only thing I could control. It also served as a distraction from my total sense of helplessness to change anything about my life and on top of that, I was being taught to be content and joyful no matter what, in spite of my circumstances, so I didn’t realize I was allowed to feel how I really felt. I interpreted that as, ‘do nothing about my circumstances and just be happy.’ The only thing that felt happy was being able to control what my body looked like and the food I ate. I got pleasure from eating and it seemed as though every moment of my day was consumed by thoughts of having a perfect body and what food I was going to or not going to eat next.

I also felt totally responsible for other people’s experience of me and of life. I’d do anything to make sure others liked and accepted me. I’d hide my opinions, I looked how I thought they’d like, I was nice, I was funny, I was agreeable, I’d do anything to avoid conflict, but I wasn’t true to my own self. All of this caused immense anxiety and I was eventually diagnosed with manic depression. As I look back now, it makes so much sense that I felt empty and powerless so I turned to food and exercise as my ‘drug of choice’, to try to numb out that feeling.

For me, codependency is about not knowing how to get our needs met in a healthy way. As children, if we grow up in dysfunction where our basic needs cannot be met in healthy ways, we brilliantly learn how to somehow get paid attention to either by being overly demanding and controlling, being helpless and needy or by taking care of others while not getting our own needs met. (See my article on Transforming the Victim Triangle) Often times, the ‘others’ are our parents. We come to believe that it’s our job to make everything ok for our parents and please them any way we can. Codependency is taking responsibility for other people’s experience of life or making others responsible for ours. When we are codependent, we feel powerless because our life is dependent on how others react to us and what our circumstances are and we are left feeling that in order to have a new experience of life, others, or our circumstances need to change.

This is not reality though. In order to experience change, we must change how we are experiencing life. We do this through finding and healing the wounds in our heart, in our spirit, in our soul. Until we do so, we will feel powerless and we’ll have a need to use some form of ‘medication’ to numb ourselves. The best way I've found to this is with an experienced coach or therapist who can help you find and heal your hidden wounds and beliefs, to reclaim your true self and to experience relationships that are interdependent rather than codependent, where you are honored for being you, not made responsible for how others feel, and you largely know that you have everything you need in order to be responsible for your experience of life.

Sources

Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Center City, Minnesota: Hazleden Foundation.

Cowan, G., Bommersbach, M., & Curtis, S. (1995). Codependency, Loss Of Self, And Power. Psychology of Women Quarterly Psychol of Women Q, 221-236.

Hartman, D. (2014). Codependency. Internship Weekend 1 (Sept. 2014) by The Wellness Institute in Issaquah, WA, USA.

Hartman, D. (2013). Eating Disorders: Signs and Symptoms. 6 Day Hypnotherapy Training (May, 2013) by The Wellness Institute in Issaquah, WA, USA.

Krestan, J., & Bepko, C. (1990). Codependency: The social reconstruction of female experience. Smith College Studies in Social Work, 216-232.

Mellody, P., & Miller, A. (1989). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. San Francisco: Perennial Library.

Miller, K. D. (1991) Compulsive Overeating. The Nursing Clinics of North America, 26(3), 699-705.

Morgan, Jr. J. (1991). What is Codependence? Journal of Clinical Psychology. 47(5). 720 – 729.

O'brien, P., & Gaborit, M. (1992). Codependency: A disorder separate from chemical dependency. J. Clin. Psychol. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 129-136.

Riley, Elizabeth, A. (1991) Codependency and the Eating-Disorder Client. The Nursing Clinics of North America, 26(3), 765-775.

Roth, G. (2002). Feeding the hungry heart: The experience of compulsive eating. New York: Plume.

Subby, R. (1984). Inside the Chemically Dependent Marrige: Denial and Manipulation. In Cruse, S., & Dependence, I. (1984). Co-dependency, an emerging issue: A book of readings reprinted from FOCUS on FAMILY and chemical dependency. Pompano Beach, FL: Health Communications.

The twelve steps of adult children: Steps workbook. (2007). Torrance, CA: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization.

Treadway, D., (1990). Codependency: Disease, metaphor, or fad? Family Therapy Networker, 14(1), 39-42.

Zimberoff, D. (2014). Codependency and Compulsive-Addictive Behavior. Internship Weekend 1 (Sept. 2014) by The Wellness Institute in Issaquah, WA, USA.

Maria Rippo is a Transformational Healing & Wellness practitioner with an online as well as a local practice in Bothell, WA. She is an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Coach, working towards her Master's and PsyD in Transpersonal Psychology, but mostly, she is a human trying to figure out how to navigate this thing called life. This article Copyright 2016 by Maria Rippo, all right reserved. To replicate or use any portion of this article, please do so in its entirety including this text or contact the author at maria@mariarippo.com.

0 Comments

Transforming the Triangle of Victimhood/Drama

5/21/2016

15 Comments

When I was first introduced to this triangle by our therapist, Garth, I found myself most often in the place of the victim. In fact, Garth told me something like, in all his twenty years as a therapist, he had NEVER seen someone so stuck in the victim role. I really hated to know that, but if I were going to find a new way to experience life, that had become a sort of hell for me, I was going to look honestly at how I was trying to get my needs met in ways that were NOT serving me or anyone else.

Commonly referred to as the Victim or Drama Triangle, knowledge of this "holy trinity" of dysfunction, is necessary if one is to move beyond dysfunctional ways of getting needs met.

I have seen understanding of this triangular dynamic change more lives than I can count. So, what is it? It is a picture of the roles we take on as children in order to get our needs met, to be paid attention to, and to matter. It is present wherever codependence exists. Codependence describes anyone in a relationship, where neither participant is living from a place of wholeness, but instead, makes others responsible for their experience of life or feels responsible for other people's experience of life. That can manifest in different ways, namely as a helpless victim who believes they need others to take care of them, as a rescuer who takes care of everyone but themselves or as the persecutor who seeks to control others through the use of guilt, shame or raging. Underneath these dynamics is fear and shame, a sense of powerlessness (feeling overwhelmed and disconnected) and so the motivation in all of this is to feel powerful and connected with others. The presence of codependency has been found to lead to a loss of self and of personal power which can affect a person in any area of their life.

Why might one take on these roles? It's all about how we, as children, learned to be paid attention to. We must be paid attention to as humans. In orphanages, where babies and children have their physical needs met, but not their emotional needs, they die of a condition called failure to thrive. So, from the brilliance of a child, we learn the only way we can to get our needs met, either by being helpless, taking care of everyone or through intimidation. All of these roles are really the 'victim.' And all humans, to some extent use these methods to get their needs met. Take, for example, the people pleaser. They take care of everyone else and never say no. What do they get from this behavior? Acceptance. Belonging is a survival need that humans have. We learn to do whatever it takes so that we will not be abandoned, so people will like and accept us and so we can belong. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Non-Violent Communication says that all anyone is ever really doing is saying, "please." "Please like me, please accept me, please hear me, please let me belong, please notice me..." But we have found ways to do this at the expense of never getting our true needs met.

Lack of boundaries is what keeps the cycle alive. There is an underlying fear that if I ask for my true needs to be met, others will leave me and I will be alone. So, as a victim, I find rescuers who get their needs met by taking care of others, or as a rescuer, I take care of victims to meet my need of taking care of others. As a persecutor, I feel in control by shaming and threatening others so they do what I need them to do. In the end, no one ever really gets their needs met this way. What we are left with is the illusion that we are in control and connected with others, when we really aren't. We are not even connected with our own selves, which is the root cause of all of this, a broken relationship with ourselves. It's about feeling helpless and powerless and doing whatever it takes to get others to do what we need. And in the end, it only creates more separation from others and our own selves.

When we are on the triangle, we are also 'in our head.' For me that means we are identifying with the ego rather than with the truth of who we are. The ego believes in all that we are not and who we think we are supposed to be. Its identity is, "I'm not enough, I don't belong, I'm unlovable, I'm incapable, I have to prove my worth, I'm inadequate, I'm damaged, My existence doesn't matter, I don't matter..." The purpose of the ego is self-preservation. It works hard to hide these 'truths,' by defending, proving, comparing and competing. When we are playing our roles to get our needs met, its how we learned to survive and when we stay in those roles, our only hope is survival. If we want to move to thriving, we must take quite possibly the longest journey of our lives, thirteen long inches, down to our heart center where our truth resides. This involves healing the false beliefs of the ego (with a guide such a coach or therapist, knowledgeable about healing in this way) and allows us to get our true needs met.

When we are "in our heads," we are defending, proving, blaming and comparing, to name a few. This causes others to also put their defenses up and we end up arguing about who's right, who's wrong and not getting anything accomplished. Being right feels powerful. It gives us a sense of control, so acting from this place is about feeling powerful because we feel powerless (overwhelmed and disconnected).

When we act from our hearts, or our higher selves, or spirit self, we communicate how we feel, what we need, and we have healthy limits as well as boundaries. We know how to keep what is serving us, in, and what is not, out.

When we come into our hearts we can clearly communicate what it is we need. We know that we are responsible for meeting our own needs. We are vulnerable. We take full responsibility for our own experience of life and leave others to be responsible for theirs. We are clear about what works for us and what doesn't and we let others know so they can make choices about being in our lives or not. In doing so we have moved from being codependent to being interdependent. This transforms the dynamic of the triangle. Here's how that has looked in my own life:

The goal in understanding the triangle, is not to see where everyone else is on it as much as it is to see ourselves on it. It's sneaky. Becoming conscious of our own dysfunction is how we empower ourselves. We will get on the triangle so the goal is not to stay off of it, though that would be nice. It's to notice when we are on it so we can choose whether to stay or to come into our hearts.

According to the HeartMath Institute, the vibration of our heart is 5,000 times stronger than that of our head. We can make connections when we come from our hearts. Everyone can get their needs met. And that's what we are trying to do in the first place! After all, we are all just kids, dressed up adult suits, appealing for love, desperately wanting to matter, to be noticed, to belong. When we do it in childish ways from a place of unhealed fear and shame, everyone suffers and we continue to survive instead of thrive. When we become child-like ... curious, playful, deep-feeling, spontaneous, undefended, risk-taking, present, accepting, explorative, unconcerned with people's judgements, we can begin to thrive. In my experience, it takes time and deep healing of our subconscious and unconscious beliefs, but it is possible. I am living proof!!

Oh and just a side note, --ain't nobody gonna like it when you jump out of the triangle game. When you stop playing this childish, rather than child-like game, people in your life will feel very threatened and will quite possibly project their fear and shame onto you as anger and rejection because they feel out of control and confused (disconnected and overwhelmed). This is not about you! And it's fairly inevitable at the beginning. But, don't lose hope, as you heal these patterns you will draw others into your life that are also healing them and you open the door for much deeper and more fulfilling relationships!

Maria Rippo is a Transformational Healing & Wellness practitioner with an online as well as a local practice in Bothell, WA. She is an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Coach, working towards her Master's and PsyD in Transpersonal Psychology, but mostly, she is a human trying to figure out how to navigate this thing called life. This article Copyright 2016 by Maria Rippo, all right reserved. To replicate or use any portion of this article, please do so in its entirety including this text or contact the author at maria@mariarippo.com.

15 Comments

What to Say When Someone Needs Support

4/29/2016

1 Comment

Have you ever gone through a hard time and someone told you to "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" or just "get it together?" Have you ever been in a place where that was just not possible and you needed support? Or maybe you had a family member or friend in this situation and you wanted to support them, but didn't know how?

The phrase pull yourself up by your bootstraps, was actually coined as something that is not possible to do. But somehow in our culture, it got turned around. Go ahead, grab a pair of boots, put 'em on, and try it for yourself. Pull on the boot straps. Nothin', right? No movement. You can pull all day long and those boots will stay put. We weren't put on this earth to figure out life by ourselves! That phrase was meant as a reminder not to try to 'do it alone.' And that phrase makes even less sense if we don't even own a pair of boots to begin with. This attitude only keeps people who are struggling, struggling more because it deepens the shame about where they are. In my situation, it was just not possible for me to navigate the stormy waters alone.

So, what's the most challenging part of working through a challenging time? For me, after immense loss, it was knowing who I could reach out to that could actually hold space for me, so that I didn't have be alone. I was Humpty Dumpty, totally in pieces spread out so far I didn't even know where to begin looking for the pieces of myself that were scattered. And there were very few people who could hold space for me in that time. Everyone else would say things that, although they meant well, cut me to core. I've learned so much through my challenges, and part of my learning was about how to hold space for others in their challenges, no matter how big or small.

Here are few things people said and will still say when I share my story, that leave me feeling dismissed and unsupported.

The very hardest thing someone would say is, "Everyone has gone through hard times." While that may be true, that does not discount the fact that my time is hard and I am looking for support and empathy. What I learned from this statement, as I looked at the lives of those who would say it, is that they have never hit rock bottom, so they don't actually know what that experience is like. They have not had all sense of stability and security stripped out from underneath them. This gave me compassion for them instead of bitterness and resentment, because how can they be empathetic when they've never been there?

Consider the possibility that everyone is entitled to their story and telling it is actually an important part of their healing. So, when someone tells their story, they are not really looking for you to do anything but listen and empathize. So, if you only remember two things, consider them to be the following: don't discount their pain by saying that everyone goes through hard times and don't feel like you have to do anything to fix other people's situations.

What if we can trust that everyone is right where they need to be and having the experiences they are having in order to learn and grow and ultimately thrive. Our challenges are the catalyst for our deep inner healing. So often, people's purpose is born through their deepest suffering. This is how it worked out for me. I now professionally walk through people's deep pain with them. And I learn a lot from my clients. One of my clients inspired this post! I'd never be able to do that if I had not experienced such deep loss and the inability to put myself back together after my hard fall.

So, what does being supportive look like? Think of it as 'holding space.' You are just going to be a supportive container for this human who is having a human experience.

Some things you might say are,

"Gosh, I'm so sorry. I can understand how hard this must be for you."

"What would feel most supportive to you right now?"

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"I don't even know what to say, but I want you to know how much I care."

"What do you feel you can do to support yourself right now?"

What people need most is to be listened to and validated in their suffering. They need to know that they are not alone. And, if appropriate, they need meals and someone to watch their kids.... or other practical help. Never underestimate how helpful this can be! When we go through hard times, the daily necessities can become a major ordeal.

And if you can't offer a listening ear in the moment, that's OK! Just let them know that it's really important to you to support them and make an appointment for when you can. If someone needs more support than you can give, invite them to find a good counselor.

Something that I learned in my very trying times was that people only have so much bandwidth to support others. Getting professional help made a world of difference for me, and I found more than one professional to help me through it! I also began to surround myself with people who HAD hit rock bottom, because they are much more likely to be able to hold space for you when you struggle, because they've been there.

I use these questions with my kids, too. It gives them a sense of empowerment to know that they can choose how to be supported. If they are 'freaking out,' or 'melting down,' I'll ask them if they'd like to be alone or have me stay with them while they feel how they feel. I don't try to make them feel different from how they feel. If they want me to stay with them, I'll ask how I can best support them. I ask if they want to talk or just be quiet. Do they want to cuddle or just have me in their room? I ask if there's anything I can do to help them feel more comfortable. And most importantly, I ask them what they most need from themselves in this moment. We might talk about where they feel what they feel in their body as well. My younger one is especially open to this question. My teenage boys, not no much!

I don't ask it all at once, and I try to wait for the right timing for each question. I won't typically ask all of these questions in one sitting either. I just feel out each situation and then I look for their deep breath. The deep breath always lets us know that a person's pain feels validated and they feel OK about feeling how they feel. This one is magic with kids! See if you can find out what makes your child feel heard and validated. When they do, magic will happen!

What has helped you the most in your challenging times. I invite you to share in the comments below.

Maria Rippo is a Transformational Healing & Wellness practitioner with an online as well as
a local practice in Bothell, WA. She is an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Coach, but mostly, she is a human figuring out how to navigate this thing called life. This article Copyright 2016 by Maria Rippo, all right reserved. To replicate or use any portion of this article, please do so in its entirety including this text or contact the author at maria@mariarippo.com.

1 Comment

Author

Hi, I'm Maria. I practice hypnotherapy and holistic coaching specializing in emotional eating, addictions, depression, anxiety and PTSD. I LOVE what I do! One of my goals is to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for doing headstands in the most places around the globe! I have a love affair with butter and red wine and all REAL food Mother Earth lovingly provides her inhabitants. I collect recipes, hoard books, scavenge for heart rocks and go totally crazy when my 4 kids try to talk to me all at once. My favorite pastime is witnessing people realize the miracles in every moment and reminding myself to do the same. I love silence. I am a lover, a mystic, seeker of the Divine, a Warrior of Light, Alchemist. Welcome!

RSS Feed

How to Make a Big Change in One Minute or Less

Am I Codependent?

Transforming the Triangle of Victimhood/Drama

What to Say When Someone Needs Support

Categories

Author

Archives